More Humor
Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for
my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when woman
behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to
do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina
Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital
last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works
is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every
time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I
was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in
line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in
intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a
curb to sniff an Irish Setter and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to
think of crazy things to say.
Anonymous, for obvious reasons.
When insults had class! These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness
with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got
boiled down to 4-letter words.
1) The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, 'If you were my husband I'd give you poison,' and he said, 'If you were my wife, I'd drink it.'
2) A member of Parliament to Disraeli: 'Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.' 'That depends, Sir,' said Disraeli, 'whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.'
3) 'He had delusions of adequacy.' - Walter Kerr
4) 'He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.' - Winston Churchill
5) 'A modest little person, with much to be modest about.' - Winston Churchill
6) 'I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.'- Clarence Darrow
7) 'He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.' - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
8) 'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?' - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
9) 'Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.' - Moses Hadas
10) 'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.' - Abraham Lincoln
11) 'I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.' - Mark Twain
12) 'He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.' - Oscar Wilde
13) 'I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend...if you have one.' - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
14) 'Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.' - Winston Churchill, in response.
15) 'I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.' - Stephen Bishop
16) 'He is a self-made man and worships his creator.' - John Bright
17) 'I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.' - Irvin S. Cobb
18) 'He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.' - Samuel Johnson
19) 'He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.' - Paul Keating
20) 'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.' Jack E. Leonard
21) 'He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.' - Robert Redford
22) 'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.' - Thomas Brackett Reed
23) 'In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.' - Charles, Count Talleyrand
24) 'He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.' - Forrest Tucker
25) 'Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?' - Mark Twain
26) 'His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.' - Mae West
27) 'Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.' - Oscar Wilde
28) 'He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination.' - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
29) 'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.' - Billy Wilder
30) 'I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.' - Groucho Marx
1. Do not snack before a party in order to control your eating.
The whole point of a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free.
Lots of it.
Hello?
2. Avoid carrot sticks.
Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.
In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.
Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
3. As for mashed potatoes, ask if they're made with skim or whole milk.
If it's skim, pass.
Why bother?
It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
4. If something comes with gravy, use it.
That's the whole point of gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone.
Pour it on.
Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.
Fill it with gravy.
Eat the volcano.
Repeat.
5. If you come across something really good, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge.
Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.
They're like a beautiful pair of shoes.
If you leave them behind, you will never see
them again.
6. Same for pies.
Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat.
Have a slice of each.
Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three.
When else do you get more than one dessert?
Labor Day?
7. Did someone mention fruitcake?
Granted, it's loaded with the celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.
I mean, have some standards.
8. Drink as much eggnog as you can.
And quickly.
Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare.
In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch.
You can't find it any other time of year.
So drink up!
Who cares if it?s 10,000 calories in every sip?
It's not like you'll turn into an eggnog-alcoholic.
It's a treat.
Enjoy it.
Have one for me.
Have two.
It's later than you think.
It's Christmas!
9. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.
Do that in January when there's nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table
while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
10. One final tip:
If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table,
you haven't been paying attention.
Re-read the tips;
start over,
but hurry,
January is just around the corner.
Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe’s
Building Supply when they collide.
The old timer says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife,
too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife
look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big
blue eyes, long legs, and she's wearing tight white shorts and a halter top. What
does your wife look like?"
The old timer says...... "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Most old timers are helpful like that!
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try".
"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help".
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!"
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I can't remember".
Here are the winners of the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once
again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supplying a new definition. The 2006
winners are:
- Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders
the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
- Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
- Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize that it was your money to start with.
- Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
- Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.
- Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting
laid.
- Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
- Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.
- Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
- Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
- Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
- Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.
- Decafalon: (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.
- Glibido: All talk and no action.
- Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
- Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
- Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
- Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.
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