More Humor
Here are the winners of the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once
again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supplying a new definition. The 2006
winners are:
- Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders
the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
- Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
- Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize that it was your money to start with.
- Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
- Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.
- Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting
laid.
- Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
- Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.
- Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
- Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
- Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
- Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.
- Decafalon: (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.
- Glibido: All talk and no action.
- Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
- Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
- Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
- Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.
You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
3. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
4. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four -hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
3. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
4. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Red Corvette convertible out of
the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the
wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he
flew down I-95, pushing the pedal to the metal even more.
Looking in his rear
view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren
blaring. "I can get away from him. No problem!" thought the elderly gent as he floored it
to 100 mph, then 110, then 120 mph.
Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
He then pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the
Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today
is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never
heard before, I'll let you go."
The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran
off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.
Contributed by John
Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory
storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter
antique stores?
A: "I remember these."
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to: God, USA
-- they decided to send it to the President.
The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the
little boy a $5.00 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little
boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a
thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some
reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those "a...s" deducted
$95.00 in taxes.
Contributed by Peggy
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Contributed by Chuck in St. Louis
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town
hall where a Flower Show was in progress. One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring; we never
have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that
stupid Flower Show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,
completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door
of the Flower Show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed
by loud applause and shrill whistling. The naked and smiling old lady came through
the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"
Contributed by Jo in Detroit
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